Sunday, March 26, 2006

Buried beneath winter's hand, from once it all began
I shall lie here deep, encased in my icy tomb
This will all be but a memory, kept deep within me
Lost in time, lost in feelings, lost in seasons, lost in meanings.

Winter is gone without the spring that follows.
And perhaps, this will be the last traces of frozen tracks on the snow..

Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 3/26/2006 04:09:00 PM.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Unanswerable answers

Why are we even living in this world for?

You can give me a thousand reasons yet not one can be confirmed. can never be

If our lives are already planned for us, then why bother to even live it?
Id rather just die and see my life story unfold than to live through it

Give me a fast forward, give me the end, i dont want anymore answers i dont want anymore questions

Im beginning to cannibalize myself, cannibalizing my brain with my own thoughts, they devour me with such fury every day that i cant think anymore. My head hurts. It hurts and everything else does.

Then comes the surrealism of this world. Reality is inverted and i feel i am escaping reality by going into actual reality. The laughter of friends, the chit of chatter. theyre like drugs. A high. Then your head gets hit by a truck and u realise after that is gone, so are you. what the hell. should just get hit by the truck in the first place, same end, same effect
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 3/05/2006 03:29:00 PM.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I guess Tay was right. Thinking too much inhibits and traps you into a corner. It restricts your mouth, it saps your brain. It makes everything a huge mess.

A mess. Thats what it is

A mass mess of massed mess.

I just dont know why
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 2/26/2006 04:40:00 PM.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I lost it...

The eerie calmness of it all scared me most. I could still think, i could still feel normal. But there was this overpowering grasp choking me, ripping my spine, refusing to let go, just channeling all my angst.

So i rammed my fist against the wall. Well, more like smashed it. And It felt just so calm in between the shoutings. I said i was ok, but as i went to the mess and back, it felt worse for another second and that overpowering feeling took over me again. I screamed and sent a chair flying, returning to my room to unleash even more fury on my hapless cupboard. It felt so wrong. it felt so crazy. It feels like fuck

I was fucking losing it between seconds of madness. and yet i remained sane, between seconds of calmness.

my hand still hurts..

But It scares me...These are thoughts that kill people..These are thoughts that will kill me
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 2/24/2006 10:25:00 PM.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Pluck From Memory A Rooted Sorrow
Wish Id Die, before tomorrow
To wake and find, still flesh and bones
To realize Im still lost and alone

What the fuck am I thinking

Ive let this chaos inside leak out...

I was living ok for the past 2 years
hahahahahahahahahahhahh shit im going crazy rediting my post a thousand timess

yay im going to book in

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH your stucckkk in myyy headdddd

cant get u outta my head cuz boy your love is all i think about i just cant get you outta my headddd
ahahahahahaha but not boy la...hahahah ghey

Now everyday is just a confusion of colors <----hahaha need new glasses i bet
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 2/19/2006 04:34:00 PM.

They say love is setting the other free
But how do you let go of memories
When your soul it attatches

You cant lose what you never had
But why do I feel like a loser?

I realise that I can relate better to girls than guys in matters of the heart
Not that I am gay, just not ruthless
Why do the bad guys always win? There is no place left in this world
But why should I change.

Time and time again fate plays his cruel hand, mocking me.
It taunts me with such sting that it awakens me
And makes realization of a fool
At the brunt of every joke's end

This void that is growing, like a disease
Equally in my head, torments me daily
When I think of how things were
And how it is so different
Perhaps perhaps perhaps,
Change is my foe, change is my woe

What I only desire, in this world of man
A simple love, which eternally eludes my hand
The greatest thing in this world is to love and be loved in return

And as fate has it, I shall always be the one waiting
For this greatest thing.
But I still will,
Even if a fool Im called
Because there is no greater loss , than living without a Soul

Welcome to my world beneath the joyful calm of the horizon
The eternal world of chaos which is me ...
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 2/19/2006 04:27:00 PM.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Do you know do you know
What it is what it was
Dont you know dont you know
what it feels what it feels
Didnt you know didnt you know
what this is what this is
Wouldnt you know wouldnt you know
I dont know either
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 2/04/2006 05:37:00 PM.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Running away.

Head among the clouds,

Stare into the horizon

The stars reply

As the sun contemplates his move

The moon initiates

The Clouds come

All is covered

Yet the sky is clear

Lost in thoughts
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 1/29/2006 09:04:00 PM.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Bad day
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 1/28/2006 03:48:00 AM.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Happiness or rather the desire to attain it is that which people yearn for.

No world is perfect, nor should it be.

Sin, Vice, negativity. Where would we be without them?

True happiness can only be found along the road to happiness.

The destination itself which will never come

We suffer so greatly with hopes of happiness

Yet it is ironically THAT suffering, which will bring us happiness

Were you happy? Truly?
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 1/22/2006 07:32:00 PM.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Goodbye 2005, Hello 2006.

It has been a very eventful year for me. It has also been a year of change, a year of many tears and yet also a year of many wonderful things. The whole year has been flashing by through my head the whole day. The poly end times, the superslack last days, the Thailand trip..the chalets and all the old clubbing days. And now, the regimentation of a soldier. Army has come and ive adapted, it seems that my perception of army has improved in someway. I now believe army is important but only as a character builder for people.

The year has been good to me, it has kept my friends and helped me pass the time with many new ones as well. BMT mates were brothers, so were Golf wingmates. The memories and times we had, the feelings will never be forgotten. I guess this is what soldiers fight for - they fight not for anothers cause, but for the people that mean so much.

Im now about to go for my SOCJOT(Support-arms Officer Cadet Jungle Orientaton Training). Its gonna be a 10 day battle against the giant cicadas and other creepy crawlies. I simply hate bugs inside TOILETS. yes. escpecially those who disrupt the economy. I was recently posted to Signal Institute. I can tell u that i really couldnt take the ultra cold lecture rooms and 12 hour long study days. I actually miss days of punishment and crawling in the jungle! Im honestly just trying my best to be an optimist to get through this. I must love my job.....

Anyways my thought process is all haywired and i Dont know what else to say, cuz i wanna get some rest before flying off. Take care all of you, thank you for 2005 and i hope that 2006 will be better for all of us. will miss everyone when im gone.

I might end up becoming a bruneian banana, B1. haha
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 1/02/2006 08:43:00 PM.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

These 2 feet of mine

Fresh from the island these 2 came
From green carpets to concrete jungles
A new place brings new joys and pain
As I walked with these feet of mine

The humble grandeur extended in awe
It took some time to quite settle in
Into SAFTI the home of the officer corps
As I walked with these feet of mine

Awaiting our fates in AGST
Anxious faces met jittery nerves
Into Golf Wing platoon 3
I walked with these feet of mine

Discipline and integrity was our meal
Threats worse than death sworn to their stand
The instructors tried to instill
As I walked with these feet of mine

A new life burnt in our hearlit lamps
It yearned for honour, glory and pride
All that changed,sorta, after leadership camp
As I walked with these feet of mine

Off to Tekong we had to go back
Drills and Topo were our daily staple
Crawling on mud, up the hilly track
As I crawled with these feet of mine

High kneeling was our common pose,
AAR a weekly dose
Training kept us on our toes
As I walked with these feet of mine

OPs orders were the start of headaches
Long nights planning and long explaining
Zombified soldiers fighting to stay awake
As I walked with these feet of mine

Rambutan soon faced a new threat
Spades and Blades kept their dedication
Day and night through blood and sweat
As I walked with these feet of mine

Ex Rhino soon came to us then
4 last charges, 4 times again as one
Brothers in arms we've reached the end
As I ran with these feet of mine

The tiny room seemed so barren and bare
The last night I sat wide awake
It was just like yesterday we were there
As I walked with these feet of mine

14 weeks did live fast
Every moment, every tear
Every joy would forever last
Within these thoughts of mine..

Dedicated to 61/05 OCC Golf Wing Platoon 3

For all you guys, till we meet again 21 weeks later
To the kopitiam boys aka night snack boys, the armskote helpers
and the wonderful memories you guys all brought me, and remember
our run back from elephant hill after MRPT! Pah Buay Toh!

-OCT MJ, Em Zach
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 12/25/2005 08:27:00 PM.

Friday, December 09, 2005

I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
Every little thing you need
I wish I could be
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 12/09/2005 11:10:00 PM.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Each and Every Day

Each step i take, brings me back to the first
Each breath i take, leaves me gasping for more
Each glance i take, graceful gestures of hers
Each moment i take, falling like never before
Each day i take, wishing you were mine
Each minute i take, thoughts filled with you
Each night i take, hoping for a sign
Each morning i take, waking up without you
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 11/27/2005 06:14:00 PM.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

When youre gone, all the colours fade
But how can you be gone?
When you aren't even here

When you're gone, the world crumbles
But how can you be gone?
When you aren't even here

When you're gone, heart lead falls
But how can you be gone?
When you aren't even here

When you're gone, tomorrow follows
But how can you be gone?
When you aren't even here

But you are gone
even before I can speak
Passing before me
Like a stranger on the street

But you are gone
Fleeing with my dreams
stripped from hope's cradle
Just like yesterday

But you are gone
I try to find
with passion it fails
Because maybe you were'nt here at all
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 11/13/2005 10:12:00 AM.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

A Tribute to Grpyphon Company 03/05

I Remember

3rd of June our journey began
A bold leap from boy to man
The unfamiliar faces, the coloured hair
Seems like just yesterday we were there
I remember

Parents and siblings, girlfriends alike
Spent their last moments with simple delight
Time to let go, time for a new phase
Never know what I'd learn from this place
I remember

The sergeants screamed and the Sirs did shout
About discipline we learn't day in day out
Soldiering was tough, many realized that
Many a standbys, many a threat
I remember

Field camp came and SIT test after
Days of fun and days of laughter
Rations at first seemed kinda cool
But open them up, you'll be the fool
Cabbage Rice? Or maybe Dahl Curry
You'll rush to the shithole in a hurry
Camo was a pain in the neck
Under the 2 minute barrier we had to break
I remember

Man Move! IC Move! We used to yell
While dodging bullets and artillery shells
Shell scrapes abound like graves for the dead
But these were used just as our bed
7 days soon came to its end
A grand finale, crawling on sand
I remember

3 days of SIT test, days of wayang
Things you never knew or seen in the bunks
Perilous missions and desire to succeed
Kept everyone pumping and back on their feet
I remember

To sing a song was a pleasant relief
The strain of marching through gritted teeth
10 click passed by in the blink of an eye
16, 24; It ended with morales high
I remember

Like the words from the song of the infantry
Brothers in arms, brothers we are proud to be
The salt of tears, the sweetness of Joy
Come together in this bittersweet ploy

Ill Miss the days of running ETs
Ill miss the days when canteen was bliss
Ill miss the days of lobbing grenades
And days of course when we fell in late

No amount of tekan could ever
Take away the spirit from each other
We the men from Grpyhon family
These memories I'll keep with me

The short 3 months in Grphon platoon 3
Ill always Keep with me.

I remember...
REC Tan Ming Zhi Marcus Jeffrey
G 3110
'Soaring without fear'

Thank you all for the wonderful memories
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 11/06/2005 05:07:00 PM.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

This will be the last entry before I head for that huge unknown uncertainty. The day most boys seem to dread, but too the day they start their metamophorsis. Though it seems garbage is no longer the usual fare, rations are quite hard to stomache for some. Besides that, the friendly neighbourhood Cooks will be dishing out their specialites, thrice daily. Hw nice. Well its nt that i think its THAT bad, maybe thats why I am not bringing any Charcoal pills. Anyway even if I were to bring some i bet theyd end up at the bottom of someone ELSES stomach! So ill just go in and scavenge what i can. afterall, Love thy neighbour =)

The amount of rotting at home the past weeks have given me enough time to prepare for civilized slavery. I would be pretty pissed that most birthdays would fall on weekdays but then again its only 2 years. The transition from Chalet life back to Sec Sch days would definitely take a couple of days, and alot of Tekans later.

Army gives me the feeling that i would be like in St gabs, and as so rightly put by my friend, "St Gabs but with alot more Disciplinarians". Have to start having mealtimes in 30 minute breaks in which only 5 mins will be spent chewing food, getting yelled at(altho vulgarities is pretty much the norm now) and prehaps the worst thing is that the only people u will see which are of the opposite gender will be probably either too old, or u would think they werent what they were anyways.(but hey u never know). On the brighter side of things, which damn school pays u to study and covers all your expenses? And who needs to sleep on desktops and coridors when you have your very own king koil bed! Oh, not to mention the amount of money saved on hair products and shampoo ;) Punishments that dont involve picking up your pen or thinking is also a relief.

Id think this will be my last update entry for awhile, until i get things settled and actually feel like not sleeping during bookouts. Weekends will be mighty precious then and maybe i might feel like a star( cuz everyone wants to take photos of proudly initiated botak). I shall miss the days of freedom and fun.

That being said, it was really fun hanging with all my friends both in the virtual and the REAL world during these past 2 months. Army will definitely be a test of friendship for some, a test of commitment for some, a test of truth for some and escpecially a break from some...haha kidding.. Thanks for the Fun ppl, Till next we meet
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 6/02/2005 12:33:00 PM.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The hunger

It lives inside me, it is who I am
Fueling the desire, the dark forbidden passion
It takes control, my will it does bend
Of sense make none words of my confession

But pure guile prehaps? Could it be?
Affection displaced in senseless control
Displaying so in splendourous decree
Love unending, though heart grow old

Grant me liberation's hand I plea
Never for granted never for a day
Cherished for eternity, worshipped by me
Only you can rid this hunger away
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 4/27/2005 01:01:00 AM.

Monday, April 25, 2005

The words echo through my soul, each note hitting raw nerve...

A song, its just a song.

But yet why does it seem to hurt from deep within? It just feels as if Ive been ripped apart and left to die, with each beat of my heart I bleed your presence. But you are just a face I dont know, You are just a voice I dont hear, A love I dont Feel. How much I try itll just be another fairy tale, it will just be another stanza in a forgotten book.

I feel the ballad's anguish, and its desire. And I just feel so alone

That is what it feels like, all that I've got are these tears

and this FairyTale of you and me...
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 4/25/2005 02:19:00 AM.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

April 24th, almost the end of the month, and a month of break- Boredom amidst enjoyment. The weeks have been draggy yet there is always something to look forward to, the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, u see, thats the fun part, getting to the end of that tunnel wondering what holds. And after that, life brings you to another tunnel, sometimes an even darker one, giving you the same experience all over again. Id like to call this the tunnel of broken dreams, mainly because what you've always expected at the end is usually never what it turns out to be, or mostly so. I guess for me, NS is the light at the end of the darkness, the liberation of the man within the boy. Supposedly a whole new experience awaits during the twilight years of my life. Well not in a bad tone but its that time of every guys life where its sorta like a timeout from everything. From Work, from society, from old securities, from norms - at least for 80% of the time. For me hopefully it wont seal my educational endeavour :P .

Ever since the release from the shackles of SCHOOLWORK, Ive been idling my time away on computer games. These little evils make you feel like uve just wasted a whole lotta time after you've finished, yet leaving u coming back for more. Other than that, theres been 2 looked-forward events this month. 1.Prom and 2.Chalet

Prom was special and it was a first. Hailing from an all boys school, I didnt think my schools little dinner event at the un"cool" canteen was considered prom. This time it was different though. It was a glamourous night, all glitters and jitters. Everyone looked a notch better, pleasing to the eye albeit deceiving, if u know what i mean heh. Dont u think that prom should be orientation? Isnt it a little too late to find out how stunning the people u knew looked? (cud b makeup) lol..the night went well, lots of flashes which ended with the invasion of China Black.Its dissapointing that not everyone was there, possibly one of the last times seeing everyone together.

Preprom was rather fun too, I wouldnt imagine saying it but yes, I mean shopping. Spent practically the whole week playing fashion doctor as well as fashion victim. Settled on a yellow Zara top, and "borrowed" rest. G2000 was the standard issue for most ..ahaha.. at least all the tailoring and fitting paid off in the end.

Fast forward one week and *poof, everyones at downtown East. Yes the horrorific claustrophobic room...Turned out it wasnt too bad though, the rooms were renovated and we had an adjoining room. The balcony was gone, but that means more space indoors. Still, Whimsical ballads echoing through the stillness of the night while basking under the brilliance of the moon is an experience not to be missed, nor forgotten. I will miss those days... Finding solitude amongst the trees....
Seems everyone had a good time, be it consuming OBJECTS or just indulging in the simple pleasantries available to us. There was a huge stirrup, but that would have to be left out.
Nothing much else to say, it was a chalet which was just that, imagine.
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 4/24/2005 03:17:00 AM.

Monday, March 21, 2005

I guess this is the March entry? heh... What can I say, Final Year Project is finally over..or was over on friday the 18th of March 2005 at 1030 hours...So relieved all the stress is gone, im still feeling the after effects..hah..but still at the same time, when you come to think about it, its just sad thinking that this is the last project ure ever gonna do in poly..the last time ure gonna take that lappy, do those compiling, all those group meetings where u actually end up playing..all those dumbshit times in sch and out..ill really miss those think 3 years is over in the click of a mouse!
Which reminds me....Toshiba laptops are the most powerful yet the most f-ed up...It has to be sent for repairs and maintenance like quad times a year. Gahh... even now, towards the end of the line, its period came! wtf..thankfully Jerome saved my ass..haha..albeit invasion of privacy on my part :P
I cant wait for the hols..yet dread to grow old... Really wish one morning I will wake up feeling the cool morning breeze... The tangerine horizon slowly invading the floating sea....waking up to find my uniform hanging on the realise the time is of an "unearthly" hour...just to be young..and naive...and yeah..u get my point... Soon NS will come, and then No one knows... I guess NS is the last time for most of us to live our lives without a Care in the world. All we need to do is stay within the rules and everythings fine...But the world out there is out to get those who falter...Im hittin the Small yet Big 2....Not long before u see the numbers flying.

Ill end it short...with hopefully a Shorter Update...hah

Something I wrote quite sometime ago.
Dedicated to The late Daisy Chin and Dr Diana Young
Flower Garden

The scent was perfect, as was the flower
In all its magnifiscent glory it stood
A symbol of love, wisdom and stalwartness,A beauty to last on eternitys' end
It reminded me of you,
As I walked through the flower garden

I stopped to smell the roses

and mouthed a silent prayer
Every new breath would be a gift
For the future is what we hold
The memories come flooding in
As I walked through the flower garden.

Now the flower was laid to rest

Sanctified beneath a crystal veil
Encompassing it was a plethora of colour,
A tribute of marvelous porportions
It soon started to pour
As I walked through the flower garden.

I knew without a doubt
the flower would lay in eden's grove
A legacy left behind,
Memories to last for years to come
I mouthed a silent prayer,
As I stood in the flower garden.
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 3/21/2005 12:06:00 AM.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Boy I´ve missed your kisses all the time but this is
twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy I´m sorry your are
twenty five minutes too late

A Gem of a song.

Tells you time never waits for anyone. If you can spare your heart to break, dont make your love one wait.

"Boy" and any other referals above are purely fictatious and do not relate to anyone living or dead thank you.

Valentines Day. A day dedicated to the lovers, romantics, desperados and the loveless. Be it one or the other one thing's sure - Love is all round. "I feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes.." u guys know the rest, one can deny living without love nor deny how powerful love influences those who are not even "in love".

That lovely feeling came when I was at Junction 8. I looked around and I realised how tmr is V-day. Such an important day for whatever creed/race/religion you are, a day to confess your love for the ones you love. Couples litter the street, flower in hand, smile in face. If only the world was like that everyday eh?

I must admit this year will be spent in bachelor-hood. No doubt I feel a splash of green, but yes I am not Blue either...hah....Couples please enjoy yourselves, for the rest, enjoy the day too- confess to that person, spend it single, spend it with old friends. Make your day worth it!
I think Valentines day should be a day for the WORLD to celebrate its love for everyone.

On the way back from J8, power98 was playing its V-Day love songs special. Sigh...I used to recall the times I would spend just star-gazing(Be it the "stars" in my room or under the blanket of the night) reminiscing of times gone by. Poet dreams and serenades, how magical the evening could be. But I guess nothing could be as magical as gazing into the eyes of the one you love. No star could ever outshine that. Anyways, the music was really great, one of the genres I absolutely love is yes, Love songs. Somehow I think Ballads count as love songs too. Yes I love them, timeless classics that never grow out of their meanings. Centuries later you would still find the words mean as much as the day they were written.

I Love you,
a word most often used to convey the wrong feelings. How sad sometimes it is abused. Love should be divine, should be absolute, should be pure. Prehaps now it may exist only in a Platonic Love Affair. How Sad.

Anyways, Happy Valentines Day to all of you, may your day be spent with much love and hope. Dont falter in the face of rejection or break under anxiety. Just do it, live with no regrets. The more you avoid truth, the more it will come to hurt.

"Someday when my life has passed me by, Ill look around and wonder why you were always there for me"
-Sugar Ray

A lil poem for all of you:

Breeze of love, oh gale of confession
Parts the romantics from desperate intentions
Halls of red, in glory display
Cloacks the eyes just for a day
Envy eyes do follow suit
Longing for forbidden fruit
Evening dinner a firefly fantasy
Ends the night with subtle fancy
Another 364 days to say
Again in another way
Happy Valentines Day

Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 2/13/2005 09:56:00 PM.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Year 2004....the most eventful year thus far. This is one year which i will never ever forget. It has taken so many people and still a month to go. Im not ashamed to blog this down or feel weird because I dont really care how many people read this, in fact, I want the world to know what a great person my Grandma was.

Anyways, My granny passed away on the morning of 6th December, at around 9:30 am. It still hasnt sunk in yet that shes really gone. It was hardly a week ago, and now as im typing this i can recall how it felt 1 week ago, how ignorant i was, how oblivious that everything around me could be gone in just a moment, What a fool i was. Little did I know that the next Sunrise would take away a part of me. Doctors said she died of heart failure. Apparantly the last thing she was doing was saying her morning prayers. Well, many ppl said its the best way to go...peacefully and prepared. But im not satisfied, Im really not. Why? Because partly, theres so many things i wanna say and do but it happened so quickly that there wasnt even a chance to do it...i honestly regret. Its like all those chain emails abt treasuring each moment and letting loved ones know how u feel all coming back to me!!! And it felt like a bitch slap on my face back to reality. Its a victim of such an email...and i tell u, its not a nice feeling. And the worst feeling is that I wasnt even around when it happened...and by the time i got back, the body was gone....I never could touch her again. U know, it all flashes back to that day a month ago when she asked me to massage her coz she was feeling giddy n weak. I remember so clearly how her limbs felt- So fragile and thin, yet these were the limbs which had weathered through many hardships all through her life, and my life.

You know, many people tell me that Im born with a silver spoon in my mouth. But no! Im born with a wooden spoon, with sturdy caring hands. And my grandma did play a major role in bringing me up. All her life she strove to make others happy, without thinking of herself. She suffered so much for so many years, even in her old age she did not rest. Maybe im her first grandson but still, for the past 19 years she has been looking after me, thru kindergarten, thru pri and sec sch and even poly. I am forever indebted to her. Outsiders n some people may find her not so perfect, I must admit sometimes her methods of doing things may seem a little unorthodoxed or wrong, but the intention was to do good. And of course, her ideals tend to clash alot with the "new generation's" thinking.

I remember her last wishes for me, it seemed that she knew she was going soon. Even then, she still cared abt us so much. She was clinically dead 8 1/2 years ago, but miraculously she survived. It was a bonus and I feel that during this 8 years God gave her, was so that she could see 2 more grandsons, from both her son and other daughter. So i guess it makes her complete now that they are both 5 and 6 years old and all taken care of.. i guess God wants her back. It really saddens me you know.. the circumstances surrounding the incident. She prayed for me always so much when i was having exams and even during my driving test. She called me and was so relieved that i passed. She bought 4d that day and struck consolation prize that sunday night..she was happy and wanted to surprise us the next day and buy us lunch..but Tragedy struck in the morning...Such irony in the word LUCK ... and that morning she already ordered an Incredibles costume for my young cousin and was supposed to pick it up..but it too remained an unfinished business...i mean seriously WTF ..thinking of it makes me feel so damn terrible..its like she really was someone who wanted to make others happy. Even guests n all are always welcomed by her. She always cooked great food that many have come to remember her by..Home wouldnt be the same anymore..neither will parties...We will all really miss her..I really dont know what else to say...We are all still having a hard time adjusting to the emptyness in the home, and our hearts..i Guess time will tell all......


I Love You


Dedicated to Daisy Chin, Loving Grandma and caretaker of us all..
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 12/12/2004 11:10:00 PM.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Jazz sparks up the mood...yet it mellows it down too...its wonderfully sweet and pleasant.
A great companion always :) sigh ... Well things can be real boring at times but thats life !!! Shit happens doh!!! like who doesnt shit :P ...haha.... Been listenin to house alot recently...not forgettin rnB..cover well as...Jazzz!

Well more into music....i hope olinda wins...altho she aint really the ideal idol..i support her coz of her vocal power...kinda impressed...i was initially so impressed that i dloaded the song "sway" coz i heard her cover of it during an Ad..wowza! perfect for that song!

I wouldnt mind taufik or Olinda...haha but sory ppl, sylvester not really on my list of idoltry....well maybe coz i feel he is a lil overhyped..yeah his chinese singing is not bad..hes more of the rocker style of singing...but his style appeals to alot of girls...thats why he gets all the voteS!!!!!! ahhhhhhhh!!! haha.... ok well...Sg Idol is coming to an end...hopefully ill catch the finals before i fly off to japan! then when i get bcak.......


Hope to alot of ppl to meet n things to do with a ride lol.... but of course
No Drinking and Driving
haha.....dont worry frens..i wouldnt wanna kill u all :P

Its been a long time since ive written anything at mood i guess..haha lost it...sighz

Well.....i guess ill write soon..or post something i did in class next......need some editing tho..hahax.....well check fer updates!

I realise i cant write anything or think of anything while listenin to jazz..lols....start to blabber..ALOT...


The grapvine bleeds away
Its essence leads men astray
A playground of emotions
Mirroring intricate concoctions
Tonight sanity is bleak
As Intoxication reaches peak
I look at you and crumble
I speak and words start to fumble
Nothing seems to make sense
Nothing more than shattered chance

------ a lil high?? actually im sober...lols....ah well......gahhhhhh...i like to write when im in an euphoric state..or semi....hahahhahaahhha..MADNESS

Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 11/13/2004 02:39:00 AM.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Well lemme see...the last time i blogged was arnd 1 month and 3 weeks ago? super long..haha just cant seem to find the mood to blog... Jaq> bloggin is abt feeling!!!! haha ..

ok well exams are finally over(Thank God), but heres the stupid ironic part... I wish it was sch term again...boring hols are no fun...dont u just hate it when during exam period u wish for holidays to come..and when they finally do, u just dont know what to do anymore...doh....but night life has been more happenin lately, mre time to club n hang out ...tho alot of frens are either still having A's , Sick, havin attatchment or just other commitments, still manage to have a good time everytime...haha....Well, first time went in to zouk was like 1 week before to Celest n Emily for signin me in..(ill pay u guys back someday haha) was fun....i met alot of other schoolmates there too...pretty cool when most of ure frens backed out on u...

anyways, went to halloween with sch,char,kesh,zhe hong, joel and maddie...was fun! didnt really dress much (half U) but wow...some of the costumes are really much for my simple think it was the first time for a few of them, luckily it was kinda good...the last time the same group of us went to zouk, there was some kokup and thus couldnt get now zhe hong is back with a vengeance..haha....all in all was a fun night except could do with a lil less people...:P

So now i dont know what else to blog atm.....ill blog when i think of it
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 11/01/2004 04:23:00 PM.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Today was a little cool...its like the first time i had a decent conversation with so many different people.. Well ok, went for the tea reception in Ngee Ann for all the societies and Clubs, I was representing the Slackers Union in Ngee sad, only me, the president could make it...and considering we have 80% of the student body in the society :) heh..welll catched up abit with some old frens :) and sorta made 2 new ones totally unexpected ways lol....was funny..first time talking to a stranger likedat.its so coincidential...made frens with them on the bus..a 3rd party may think i was despo or what..haha
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 9/18/2004 01:02:00 AM.

Monday, September 13, 2004

I fell on my knees,
And they broke
But Im not a kid anymore
No Tears

Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 9/13/2004 11:23:00 AM.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Finished exams, passed all but weren't too good. Been sleeping early the past days, neglecting mood to do the damn website....there is no creativity bubblin under my skull...i started reading "Brillance of the moon" aagain....i have to finish it without dragging too long, les i forget the characters...Lifes been ok, boring mostly, driving is the only time i really forget abt the world and just concentrate on the road, other things make me think and yeah ive declared "Thinking too much" as the 8th deadly sin...hahaha....whatever.....sch? work? notice these 2 words go hand in hand....i feel so carefree yet there is this tugging feeling at the back of my posts are 80% negative...just like when u stare at the mirror- 80% of what u think of ureself is bad.....Seems others are having bad times going to quit the club

Is there even somewhere in singapore where u can just sit and dream away? yea its a waste of time but how often do we just stop and see what we have arnd us and appreciate how the world works. I know i daydream alot but the world never ceases to amaze me. Simple things like just looking at how the world whizzes pass thru a window is enuff....i wanna goto the sea one day and belt out everything....Doing that would get ppl thinkin im mad, some dumbass shouting his ass off at going to sleep again..waste my fucking day....i just had to say that...u guys may not believe it but when i type i put some emotion in it and that felt xhausted...gonna write some notes then sleep...

What do the stars say
Glittering at night
What did the robin say
While in mid-flight
What did time say
Passing without glance
What did fate say
An endeavour of chance
What did Love say
The tormet of one
What did hope say
Ceaseless till its done

ive no idea what its suppose to mean nor what it means haha...just more like a "structured" rant...lolz i dont know what or how to write....words dont seem to go anymore, they dont seem to fit together..everything doesntttt....WHY U STUPID BLOG
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 9/04/2004 05:26:00 PM.

Monday, August 23, 2004

I think im going through my 2nd puberty....Im not just talking abt not procrastinating or not thinking too much..i think i really need to find find what i really am below my abyss of thoughts...I am soo lost.....but i Will be found
Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 8/23/2004 02:11:00 AM.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Its funny, funny how the journey called life can be so ironic, so deceitful, so full of twists, yet it holds such beauty, such love, such meaning. The roads are so twisted that one can barely see whats coming next. Im confused, confused and the constant question of why things happen keeps popping up inside my head...It feels really terrible, knowing nothing can be done...What good is a shepard if even he hath lost his sight. Would I ever be able to find the crook?

Its been a terrible on and off mood the past few weeks..."a flurry of madness" so true indeed. It seems im always bothered with stuff, wether it rgds me or not. Being a thinker sucks at times i guess? I think abt practically anything and everything and deep down i still need to find myself.......Prehaps theres a lesson behind everything, I feel that there is always something to learn, just like school, we hate the boring classes and what the teacher teaches...But how we approach that redefines what we know..we can either choose to listen and adapt and learn, or just choose ignorance and end up learning the hard way....However difficult it is, the former is what everyone aims to achieve, but the lessons can get soo difficult to comprehend at times. bah....lost in constant blabber, lost in constant angst, lost in everything..too lost in you

Drunk? High? These are all words to describe rubbish spouting nonsense coming out of ones mouth...But have u ever wondered if those were really nonsense or did it make too much sense to believe? I dont know...ive not drank for weeks, it feels good to drink away sorrow...but when reverie has me in grasp, I get sucked back to reality. and it makes it all worse- like falling into boiling water after being frozen. I realise things are never the way I wanted, the way everyone wwants...My probelms are prolly just minute compared to i even worthy of their consolement? wth.....i dont even knwo what im saying...i think ive repeated thigs like tousands of times just frantic...Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

sch....dont wanna talk abt that...its another problem sigh...

Marcus "Marzipan" Tan last came on 8/19/2004 02:01:00 AM.

I am who I want to be. I am...

Who I want to be
... Is this a dream or reality?
... Whoever knows please tell me...

The Bare Snow-Covered Girth Of Fallen Leaves :

Stephanie |Melissa
Charlie |Keshia
Gwen |Crystle
Joanna |Wendy
Joel |Cheryl
Serene |Keith
BengHui |YiQin
Vincent |Jaklyn
Eileen |Tay
Madeline |Mabel
Madeline |Adeline

I say what I want to say. I say...
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Life is about living to the fullest each and every day.

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